I fell like I’ve done it all wrong. I have bossily asked him to be the man, to carry the heavy stuff, to give direction to our lives, to build our house, take care of the finances, use his orientation to guide us. Then, I am not the perfect women. I ask him also to wash the plates, I don’t have nearly enough sex with him, I make his sexual confidence shiver, I emasculate him often… Indeed when he is coming from fear instead of love, my ego reacts and the vicious circle goes on.
After some beautiful words and shallow healing in between, the inner deep-rooted behaviours remain. He has so many qualities, patience, and a beautiful heart that I love so dearly. I wonder why do I choose to point out his weaknesses instead and actually sometimes create them too. I guess I have to learn by experience what the words in the manuals can’t teach. All this talk about sexual tantra when just in daily communication there is so much work to do first.
“La confianza da asco” we say in spanish.
I wish I can be the better person and start creating uplifting cycles. So much can be healed still.
When he asks why I test him constantly, I chose to react again. I ask him defensively when and how. I protect myself and my precious ego. I can’t remember now if I was actually thinking in that moment about the word emasculation or not. I must have had, yet I didn’t get out of that downward spiral cycle. I didn’t choose to be the better woman for my man.
I will from now on, firmly avoid asking him to wash the plates, asking him to do anything or trying to change him. I will study everything that constitutes emasculation and be aware to do the contrary. If I chose to be with this man, I also chose to treat him as a God!